The World is Round: Radio, Schmadio Part Five: Bird is the Word

Terrestrial radio is the vinyl of the '00s, except it won't be as hard to find. It will continue to be there at the push of a button, but it will become less and less vital, and like vinyl, it will have a big, gaping hole in the middle.

Just take a quick tour of the FM dial in your city. Stations are interchangeable. Morning shows, for example, are cookie-cutter, with hosts that are essentially carbon copies of their competition up and down the spectrum. The formats may be different, but the models are the same: test every song until its soul has been stripped and pummel listeners' ears with their carefully-constructed-for-focus-groups melodies (or lack thereof). Give away pedestrian prizes. Kiss sponsors' asses.

Or turn to the alternative, the revolutionary…the Next Big Thing. Those birds flying way high above your keppie. Satellite is the NBT, the Big Kahunah. It's Where It's At, and here's why.

Or, for some, why not. Terrestrial broadcasters keep trying to fix their turf, but they ignore the research they themselves do. Listeners keep telling them to limit the number of commercials they play; stations respond by rolling out 53 minutes of non-stop, commercial-free rock 'n' roll, and then turn around and slam 12 or more minutes of spots into the spotlight. Listeners complain about having to hear the same songs over and over during any given day; stations then pull the "deep tracks" scam which really only means songs by artists the station already plays that haven't been played in awhile, but have been tested so the station knows they'll be greeted with open arms by listeners.

Terrestrials want you to remember their identity, whether it be Power 97 or The Rock or, simply their call letters, so they repeat it over and over and over again until you're sick of it. Well, you may feel that gagging reflex coming on, but you won't forget what station you're listening to, so mission accomplished.

Does the strategy work? For the most part, pretty much, just as people watching television find it too much trouble to change channels after a particular program and thus settle for whatever is next. People listen to the radio more in the mornings and late afternoons-typically referred to as the "drive" times-when they are most interested in news, weather and, if they're on the go, traffic. They'll stay tuned until they get what they need and then, off they go, to something else.

My guess is that people who subscribe to one of the two satellite radio services don't do as much flipping around, unless it's to sample some of the channels they haven't been exposed to, or suddenly it's disco-groove time on the seventies channel and disco, in your opinion, sucks.

The thing about satellite is, its seemingly limitless offerings-everything from oldies to world to classic rock to R&B to comedy to news and traffic and beyond-present listeners with content they can't get from terrestrial stations. The sound is CD quality, and the music channels are commercial free, and it's relatively cheap to plug in. What's not to love?

Well, some people have a problem paying for radio, especially since it's been free to them for, like, ever. Think about it, though-nothing is really free. Even if you don't pay money for movie-say you have a free pass-it costs you time that you won't get back, which is never more important than when the movie, like disco, sucks. You can't put a price on something that you dig, you dig?

So, how much are we talking? Typically, with either XM or Sirius, the two available satellite services, the receiver, home and car kits, and antennas will run you somewhere in the neighborhood of $200 or so on the low end of the pricing scale. Both XM and Sirius sell shuttle receivers that you can use in your car and at home, which is a cost-saving deal in itself. What will it cost you a month to listen? It depends on the plan you choose; both XM and Sirius have various ones that will net you significant savings; as of April, both services will start at $12.95 per month, with the ability to listen on the Internet (hello, work-bound folks) included.

Is there a difference between XM and Sirius? Yes and no. They both have their thangs. I like XM's Decades channels better than Sirius' because XM plays a lot of more obscure stuff and Sirius really doesn't. Since I live in the olden days of the fifties, sixties and seventies, I like XM's presentation a bit more; their Sixties channel with Terry Motormouth Young (hey, he's paid by the word!) and Phlash Phelps, both fast talkers in the coveted sixties style, puts me back in 1965 or 1966 and, what's more, they have echo on their voices! The fifties channel is a veritable education for me; besides the hits, their disc jockeys, especially Alex Ward and Matt the Cat, are particularly good performers. That word performers is particularly apt, since XM voices work especially hard to sound like they're actually broadcasting back in the good old days, when the DJ was as, or more, important as the music he played.

Sirius attacks their decades channels with more hits than obscurities, so when I want to hear the hits, I usually hang out there. Ed Baer, who was one of the Good Guys back in the sixties on New York's famed WMCA-AM, is one of the jocks on the Sirius Gold channel, which covers the late 50s to the early 60s. Baer is still a great personality.

Sirius particularly excels with its classic rock channels, particularly Classic Vinyl 14, on which three legendary New York jocks hold court: Dennis Elsas, Pat St. John, and Carol Miller, who, in addition to being a great DJ, also holds a law degree. Since I grew up in New York, listening to this channel puts me back in the day, as they say. Their voices invoke great memories.

Both XM and Sirius offer news and traffic channels, special events (such as in-studio live performances by your favorite artists), and much, much more. But, more importantly, they offer an alternative to terrestrial radio. And, at the price, either (or both) services is a bargain.

But you may be perfectly happy with terrestrial radio. You may be perfectly happy with your alarm clock going off at 6:00 am to the sounds of your local MIX station, which will give you a coveted space at the terrestrial party table.

To be perfectly fair, I wish this wasn't an either/or situation. And make no mistake about it, it is. It's about choice, and to me the choice is clear. Nevertheless, I wish terrestrial radio would get its act together and improve its quality.

It's weird…I grew up idolizing radio personalities, the great DJs of my youth, and most of the music I heard I first was exposed to on the radio. I always wanted to be on the radio myself. When I finally was, I enjoyed the hell out of every minute of the experience. Working now at a cable radio station that also streams its programming over the Internet, I get to play what I want and say what I want (within basic indecency guidelines, of course). It's the best situation I could hope for, but would I rather be on a traditional, terrestrial FM station with a huge audience? In a perfect world, in another time, maybe.

Howard Stern feels the same way, but he's being driven to satellite to be free of terrestrial radio's restrictions, restrictions which are hardly clear or easy to follow. Next month, I'll end this six-part look at the state of radio with some thoughts on what Stern's move to Sirius will mean for terrestrial stations, and, in turn, for you. Because, you know, no one wants to be the meaningless slab with a big, gaping hole in the middle.

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